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Can you imagine your own family being your worst enemy and only leading you in the wrong direction and you being aweare of all of this as a child? Kind of like watching yourself get destroyed. Then finally growing up and being let into a foreign country all screwed up and alone without any support or friends and family. Thats what Im talking about. What did God expect from me when I was 17? Thats why Im mainly angry. I had no one by my side no one and I knew nothing, I was taught nothing about life. How could he expect a child to raise and teach itself everything by itself? If anything all my family did was take from me instead of giving. How was I soppose to succeed in anything all empty and in that vegetable state that Im still in. How am I soppose to trust anyone, even God and believe in anything when I got nothing but the opposite and was aweare of what they were doing to me at the same time. Thats the worst kind of mind messing there is. I dont get him, I really dont, this is all unfair. I lost my childhood, youth and now im probably ruined for the rest of my life. This life to me has been nothing but a big teaze. Did he make me to destroy me, thats exactly what it feels like, its not like i was even stupid as a kid, i was super smart, why did he give me such a smart brain then, so I could clearly see the hell that im in and take it? How am i soppose to figure out any direction in life after all of that or believe in anything? On top of that he never sent me anyone to help me, no one true. Even before i choose to go the wrong way all i was getting were maniacs. That is what makes me so angry with him, im always running, running, just running from sick people, is that what this lifes about. Why didnt he ever send me someone to really love me not just because of my looks. All my crazy mother did was compete, try and make me look ugly by choppin my hair, and put me down about my looks because she was obssessed with herself and worried about someone being better than her, than her sick father took all my innosence and then when I was finally all nice and grown up screwed up I forgot who I was, didnt develop normaly or know myself or have a relationship because i was so screwed up. All I got was a bunch of men fallin for me for my looks or those who didnt want me because all I had were my looks. What kind of stupid life is this. I never felt that I deserved this and the more I felt that the more of it I got. Even as I child I was confident. I liked myself, i still had a heart but I didnt like tolerating bad people. Why didnt God ever give me a chance but waited till im grown up and screwed up to show me a boring shooting star that never did anything for me. I dont need no shooting stars, I needed help from good people. Maybe there was still a child inside of me, as embarrasing as that is because of my age ,but true, who needed protection and love and peace and some kind of people around me for support. Nothing, thats what I got and thats why Im confused about him.
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