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To Remind Me of a Mother's Love

 

My first experience of what could have been the presence of an angel was when I was about two and attempting to put a hairpin into an electrical outlet. Just as I was about to put it in, I heard a beautiful feminine voice firmly say: “Robyn, you mustn't do that.” I jumped to look around, but didn’t see anyone. I ran out of the room as fast as I could.

We had lived next door to my grandparents on my mother’s side. My grandfather became ill with cancer, and on his deathbed described seeing Heaven and how beautiful the gates were and bright the colors of the entrance. He saw his name written in the Book of Life. He could see his relatives and was so happy and excited about going to Heaven. My mother nursed him till he died.

Six weeks later she was diagnosed with the exact same cancer.

My mother went up and down in her illness that lasted for 6 long years. She was a strong Christian and wanted to be healed, but it was not meant to be. One day I was walking by her bed and saw a bright light shining from her eyes. She was near her death, and I knew this shining was something heavenly. She died soon afterward. I was 9 years old and told everyone not to worry, that mom was happy now and we would see her again someday.

The difficulty in my life from her death was not her dying, but my father’s reaction to it and his decision to immediately pursue a relationship with our pastor's divorced sister-in-law. They soon married, and from that day on, his new wife and her children took priority over me and my brother and sister. Within a few months of our mother's death, our father left us to be raised by other family members, and he was virtually out of our lives.

Emotionally, we went into survival mode, but eventually all 3 of us became completely undone and began making self-abusive choices. I started experimenting with drugs by age 12. By the time I was 14, I knew I was headed down a bad path and one day knelt on my knees in my bedroom and asked this God, who my mother had believed in, to please come into my life. Soon after that I was attending Bible Studies, learning of Jesus, and once, while singing in church, had a beautiful experience of the Holy Spirit falling on me like a powerful waterfall of love and glory. This feeling of magnificent love stayed with me like a canister of oxygen for months on end.

A few years later, I went off to college and soon developed a crush on a boy which blossomed in my own mind into a fantasy of unrequited love. When I realized this boy would never love me back, I became bitter and blamed God and asked Him to remove Himself from my life. One day I would come to learn that the true source of my resentment and deep anger was over my father's abandonment. But at the time, I wanted to see God as a Maniacal Being who played with peoples lives like in a chess game.

Day by day I grew more separated from God. Over the next 10 years, I slipped into a life of immorality, bad influences, drugs, alcohol, and I developed post traumatic stress from violent situations I got myself into. There were times when I pleaded with God for help and said I was sorry for doing bad things and associating with bad people. But I just couldn’t seem to pick myself up and improve my life, though somehow I was able to maintain jobs and pay the rent. I was deeply unhappy and had no self esteem. I rarely saw my sister or brother, and more rarely, my father and his new family. I was headed for disaster.

Then one night I had a vivid dream of a large white gazebo near a grand and beautiful white Victorian house with a surrounding veranda. There, my mother sat, all in white, and I sat down at a table with her. She began instructing me, holding my hand, giving me direction and, all the while, pointing at my heart. I believe she was Instructing my soul. I don’t remember a word she said, but she wasn’t angry with me. Just very, very serious. She let me know that if I didn’t get my act together, soon it would mean the end of me. When she finished this serious talking with me, I asked her how she was able to come from Heaven to visit me. She said it wasn’t easy and, curiously, that she had to pass through blood and water in order to do it.

This dream was very special to me, because when my mother died, all photos and keepsakes of her were put away. My father's new wife was jealous of a dead woman. She said horrible things about my mother and my mother's family, and I was discouraged from seeing my grandmother anymore. I saw her very few times over the years before her death. I learned to put her and my mother out of my mind, and forgot many things about them.

But even after the dream, I couldn't alter my downward course. I continued my wayward living and ended up with an abusive boyfriend who sold drugs and brought nothing but trouble into my life. But I was desperate for love and fearful of rejection. I was deeply scarred and felt unworthy and unable to change.

One day while driving to work on the freeway, I heard a firm but gentle voice audibly say to me: “My little lamb, my little lamb, please come home.”  I was shocked and amazed by this such that, some time afterward, I moved away from my boyfriend and from that town. I moved in with my sister, began 12-Step programs and went back to church. I earnestly started to improve my life.

A couple of years later, I met my wonderful husband. We were married, and I soon got pregnant. During my third month, I was in my bathroom one morning, combing my hair, and I looked up and saw a big image of my mother’s face. She was cheerfully laughing. I hadn’t seen her so happy in 27 years or more. She had been so sick before her death. I was delighted and amazed.

A few days later, I was lying on the couch listening to music and thinking of our coming child. I touched my belly--which had not begun to show yet--and suddenly my mother was there kneeling beside me! And there also was my grandmother, sitting against the armrest near my head. I could feel the fabric of my mother's clothes and hear the rustle of material, kind of like satin with an almost electrical sound to it. I could smell her lovely scent, one I cannot remember her ever wearing. I could sense every bit of her Being and personality.

I was too scared to look at her face, but I asked her why she had come to me. She said she came to remind me of a Mother’s Love and to introduce me to my son who would be called “Daniel.” I suddenly felt the spirit of  this little personality that was cheeky and playful and excited to be entering me. I felt so much love and remembered how much my mother loved me. I knew that my grandmother was there for support and guidance. As they were leaving, I saw a bright light that silhouetted a number of people who I knew were family and friends. They were joyfully applauding my mother and me.

It was after this experience that I read "Embraced By The Light" which gave me great encouragement and excitement for what lies in store for us on the other side. It was one of many steps that have led me back to God full circle. I attend a great church, lead worship in a band, and I've grown so much both spiritually and emotionally with the love of a great man and an awesome God. And I now have two super kids whom I love with that very special Mother's Love.

Reaching this point hasn’t been all easy. I’ve had counseling and taken courses. I've read the Word, and I'm close with my sister as we both grow and better ourselves. I have forgiven my dad and have let go the pain of the past. I have had many other beautiful spiritual experiences, all timely gifts from God. I do not seek outright to have communication again with my mother, for I feel she came in special circumstances, and that my communication should be with the Lord. But I will always feel the nearness of her love for me and look forward to when I know I will see her again.

Robyn

 

 

 
   
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