I was searching for something. By the time I was 14,
I had given up on religion and science. I found a book about LSD, and after
reading it, I knew I wanted to try it. I had a feeling that drugs were the
way to find what I was looking for. I just didn't know that I would have
to die by them to get there. Seven years later, at a party on the night
of May 27,1978, I took large doses of MDA (Ecstasy) and angel dust. It made
my heart race then slow down. I relaxed, and then my mind started to drift.
I barely noticed as my heart raced then slowed until it stopped.
I wasn't frightened.
It wasn't until I opened my eyes and saw I was in the wrong place
that I thought something was wrong. I was too high up and on
the other side of the room, looking down at everyone. Then I
saw my body sitting across the room, my head hanging limp against
my chest. My body disgusted me; it was so weak and useless. I
felt no pain, no fear, only happiness at being out of that thing.
Then I noticed I
was right next to the ceiling, so I reached out to touch it,
but my hand went right though it. I drew my hand back and tried
again. Suddenly my head was between the ceiling, and the floor
above. I could look down the ceiling joists at the dust and dirt
no one had seen in years. I saw the people at the party upstairs
as I passed quickly through the second floor, and attic. At about
fifty feet, I stopped and looked back at the house below. Somehow,
I knew that I could visit the people who knew me, if I chose
to. I decided to go on.
At the very instant
of my decision, I shot upwards at a tremendous rate. The house
became smaller, then the city, the surrounding fields, the country,
and the earth became smaller and smaller, until I was alone in
space. It was amazing to me that I could be so happy now, when
a few hours before, I had been so depressed that I had taken
the angle dust, knowing the combination with MDA would probably
kill me. Now I was doing loop-the-loops in space, racing about
with reckless abandon, having a wonderful time.
After tiring of thiswhich
could have been within fifteen minutes or fifteen years, I had no way of
knowingI remembered a book about a man who had floated down a river
in a bubble he had created with his mind. As soon as I remembered this,
I found that I too had this power. I could change my body into anything
I wished. After some play and experimentation, I came up with spaceship
that was a cross between a stealth fighter and a minivan, neither of which
I knew anything about at the time. After exploring with that for awhile,
I noticed a read-out on the radar screen. The screen showed neon green lines,
laid out on a grid. The grid appeared normal at first, then it abruptly
turned downward, forming a hole in the grid like a black hole. I was fascinated
by this. I cautiously approached it and could feel a slight tug upon the
ship. Then the pull increased dramatically, and I feared being pulled in.
I turned away from the hole and began a slow orbit around it. But I realized
I was still being pulled in.
Then I had an idea:
instead of being pulled in, I would dive in at full speed, right
down the center. I began to pull out of orbit but discovered
I had almost waited too long. Now it took full power to brake
free of its grasp. The ship finally pulled free, climbed, banked
over and dived in, all at full power. Once inside the vortex,
the pull caused the ship to go even faster. Objects flew by,
leaving long streaks, and still I gained speed. I fell faster
and faster for what seemed like forever. At some point I realized
that the ship had disappeared, and the shape like my body had
returned. Then I noticed there were many others in the dark tunnel
with me. I didn't know any of them, and they didn't seem to notice
Soon my body seemed
to elongate and compress until I was just one atom falling at
an incredible rate. Only at this point was there any fear or
pain. When I reached the point that I couldn't take it any more,
I saw the tiniest point of light. It was glorious. I fixed my
eyes on it, and it gave me hope. The light kept getting bigger
and brighter. It was the most wonderful light I had ever seen.
Then I flew through the light like a doorway. A new creation
opened up before me. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever
seen. There were galaxies and stars and planets like we have,
but different and more beautiful. The stars glistened with colors
I had never seen. Their brilliance was greater than diamonds.
Overall, a feeling in my heart told me that everything was truly
In a moment, off
in the distance, I saw a city floating on clouds. I was drawn
towards it. The city was like nothing I had ever seen. It was
huge, very tall and thousands of feet long. In awe, I flew around
it, circling it twice. The walls were made of something like
glass, but with many luminous colors throughout. They sparkled
as well, and you could see through them. There were gates in
the walls, but no windows. The gates were made of a whitish material,
the color of mother-of-pearl, with beautiful luminous colors
flowing across them. Cascading steps flowed from each gate. I
landed on a set of these steps not 50 feet from the city and
stood there near a gate, awe struck.
One half of the gate
opened at the middle where I hadn't seen a seam before. Out stepped
the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her face was the most
perfect face you could ever imagine. She had waist length, dark
brown hair, and brown eyes. She was tall, elegant and graceful
as she glided down the stairs, her hands held slightly away from
her body. She was clothed from neck to foot in white silky cloth
which was draped over her body in many folds, almost Roman-like.
The folds caused the material to change into the colors of the
rainbow. Light seemed to shine from her body through the cloth,
causing multicolored hues of light to cascade all around her.
The cloth and the changing colors fascinated me.
Then as I watched,
the cloth turned from translucent to transparent. She had lowered
the neckline of her gown a little and, for a brief moment, the
cloth was completely under her control. I thought to myself, "Why am I standing here, staring? This is an angel."
At this, she laughed and said, "Don't be afraid." But the sound didn't come
from her mouthwhich hadn't moved. It seemed to come from inside my
head. It was unsettling at first to know that I couldn't hide my thoughts
from her. But she was so kind, and you could feel the love flowing from
her from 30 feet away. I soon realized I had nothing to fear.
At that moment, she
walked to me, took my hand, and we flew away to an uninhabited
planet. The planet was lush, green, and full of life. It abounded
with plants, animals, streams and mountains. It was beautiful
and just as I imagined Eden to be. We sat on the lush grass and
talked for what seemed like hours. I could have stayed there
forever. I don't remember much of what was said, but we spoke
about how our actions here on earth affect other people for good
and bad. Also, that our decisions all come with a price. Here,
I realized she was trying to get to something. At my realization,
she started to explain. She said I could stay if I wanted toit was my decision. But, if I did stay,
my friend would go to prison for killing me. I insisted that he hadn't killed
me, that I took the drugs, knowing they would probably kill me. She said
the authorities wouldn't know this.
Then I thought how
stupid it would be of me to leave that place if there was even
the slightest chance that I wouldn't get to come back. She laughed
at this and assured me I could come back. By her laugh, I knew
she thought my worrying was funny, and I believed her about being
able to return there. She told me I had a job to do on earth.
But when I asked what the job was, she said she couldn't tell
me. She said if I knew, I would try to do the job as quickly
as possible so I could return, and she said it wouldn't work
that way. I thought about it a minute, and said okay.
Instantly I was back
in my body. It was like the phrase: "in the twinkling of an eye." I opened
my eyes, and I was back at the party. From across the room, my friend, Kenny,
yelled, "Hey, look at Charlie." Charlie was my alias. "He's
alive again." I was not happy about being back at all. I felt trapped
inside my body, I didn't like it here, and I wanted to go back!
Kenny and his wife,
Dianne, came over and said they had been worried about me. One
of the girls who had stayed straight to watch over everybody
said she had taken my pulse and couldn't feel one. She had also
used a mirror to see if I was breathing. I wasn't. I asked, "How long was I out?" Someone answered, "A couple of hours."
My very first thought
after I opened my eyes and saw I had returned to earth was, "I have got to get back."
I found the friend who would have gone to jail if the authorities discovered
my death. He was still very high. His teeth were chattering so hard, he
had a rag between them to keep them from chipping. I told him if anything
happened to me, to make certain nobody finds my body. He nodded.
Feeling I had saved
him from prison, I took another large dose of MDA and tried to
die again. But I couldn't quite make it. I got to fly around
a little bit, but that's all. Now I do not condone drug use.
Drugs will kill you. Neither do I approve of suicide. God made
it perfectly clear that he did not approve of my method of getting
back to heaven. But from that night on, I only wanted to return
there. I took all kinds of drugs in larger and larger doses.
And about a year or so later, I succeeded.
There had been some
bad angel dust going around. I took two large doses, and everything
was fine for awhile. Then I started to get sick, and I knew that
this was it. I began to feel nauseous, so I crawled to a big
pile of garbage in a back room and laid down on top of it. I
thought, "What a fitting place for me to die,"
as I lay there jerking with convulsions.
A guy came in and
asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said, "No, throw me in the creek or something."
He left, and the convulsions came in waves. Then I became very weak. I had
to fight to keep my eyes open. I thought, "This is it." My eyes closed,
and I felt the darkness press in.
It seemed like only
a second had passed when I opened my eyes again, and it was morning.
It felt like I had only blinked. The sunshine was streaming through
the screen door, and the birds were singing happily. I sat up.
I should have felt as though a truck had run over me, but I felt
great. No headache, no fuzziness in my head. I stood up, brushed
myself off, and walked outside. I began singing as I walked down
the dirty alley. Halfway down the alley, I heard a voice in my
head say, "If you keep doing this, I will keep sending you back. You're
here for the duration." I said, "No, I won't do that again." And I continued
singing down the alley.
Then I stopped and
am I acting this way?" I realized a major change of attitude had already
occurred before I opened my eyes and started singing. I had no inclination
at all to argue with the voice. I now had feelings of acceptance about being
here on earth, and I knew suicide was wrong. The desire to do drugs had
also been taken away. Though, I didn't know it yet. The voice must have
been given to me for something to remember, since I don't have any remembrance
of what happened in those eight hours between closing my eyes and opening
them again. However, I have received a hint. When I was reading "Embraced
By The Light" for the first time, a strange thing happened. As I was
reading the part where Betty was being judged, my environment seemed to
change. Instead of me reading a book, I could see myself being judgedalmost
like watching a movie. But then I was in it, reliving the experience. It
was very painful, and I didn't think I was going to survive it. Afterwards,
I was back reading the book.
I remember saying
out loud, "That
was weird." Since being judged wasn't a part of my experience which I could
actually remember before, perhaps reading about Betty triggered a memory
which had been blacked out before. Maybe after or during my being judged,
I had begged for another chance so I could do better the next time. This
would explain why I was so happy that morning when I opened my eyes.
I was truly changed.
Everything earthly that I had enjoyed before seemed like such
a waste of time now. About a month later, on a Sunday afternoon,
I heard the voice again. This time it said, "Go to the church with the purple bus behind it." I had passed
that church every day going to high school, and the bus had caught my eye
many times. It was bright purple. So I put some good clothes on and went.
My friends Kenny and Dianne were there! They had been "saved"
two weeks before. It took me a bit longerperhaps not accepting the
truth and continuing in my self-destructive behavior had given ground to
demons that weren't going to give up that easily. Fortunately, the pastor
of that small church had experience in this area. I was "saved"
on November 4, 1980. It was on the day the preacher spoke about The Prodigal