I found your site by just searching, trying to understand, why something so tragic happened to my daughter Angelika...and to me. I was Immediately touched by what I read, and quickly ran out to get your book “Embraced By The Light”. I absorbed every word as I needed comfort and assurance that my beautiful daughter was in heaven.
On January of 2009 my daughter was murdered. I still can’t believe this has happened. She was only 21 years old. She was my only child, and basically all I have done since the age of 21, I’m now 42. Her father and I divorced when she was 3 when I was still in the military (we both were). I settled in Seattle, Washington, as I thought it was a nice place to raise a child as a single parent. I totally devoted myself to raising Angelika, without the distraction of dating, or really even doing anything much for myself. Angelika was truly what I lived to do and she was my world.
She was very outgoing, wanting to work early while in high school. She loved to be self sufficient so earning money was important to her. I held her off until her junior year, when it was clear that this girl was serious about getting a job! She worked and attended a Cosmetology program while still in high school. Upon completing the 12th grade she took the state board and became a licensed Cosmetologist. She knew what she wanted to do, and was very firm and strong in going about getting things done.
I could not believe something so terrible could happen to such an assertive, kind, thoughtful, forgiving young lady—my Angelika—my world. You can imagine how distraught I was. I walked around in a daze for days and weeks, trying to wake up from this terrible nightmare.
I had the most amazing dream on 2/21, a little over 2 months after her passing. I was feeling very heavy as the shock of it all still wore on my body. I laid on the couch in the living room, facing down, with my face to the left side and my right arm /palm facing down. I remember it all clearly. I was thinking of the both of us, how we use to lay on the couch together her on one end and me on the other. I drifted off to sleep for no more than 2 minutes when I felt a hand grasp mine and fingers intertwine mine with a slight squeeze. Quickly I awoke inside my dream and said Angelika! That’s how strongly I felt the hand grasp mine. Immediately what seemed like an electric current went through my body and I came alive or more heightened in awareness. It was clear as day! I felt as if my body floated up, but really it was too light to be my body. I seemed to be floating up in a warm, somewhat whirl, but lightness, yet peaceful, so beautiful, worry free, wonderful airy feeling. I can’t explain the feeling. I remembered saying or thinking, this is so beautiful! It was as if we were merging in and out of one another. Something like a melting together of our souls. The feeling was so overwhelming that I could not for some reason open my eyes. I was just in awe of the feeling and sort of just lingered in it as we floated up someplace far together as one! Amazing. I remember I felt very clear about what I was feeling and what came to me was, "Wow, so worry free, peaceful and loved!"
I’m not sure how long that went on but it seemed like eternity. I shifted into another dream within the same dream. I saw myself looking down at myself kneeling on the floor. I was in a building facing forward with my knees on the floor, slouched over from the heaviness I felt. I recalled behind me were some windows with arches. There were 3 of them. The arched windows in the building were tall and with no glass so the air flowed through freely. I heard my daughter say “Come On, Mom”...clear as day in her assertive little voice! As soon as I heard her voice, she swept through me. The same electric feeling that swept though me when I felt the squeeze of the hand came through my body again. I was immediately alive and alert, heightened and in awe of this feeling. I remember that when the feeling swept through me I felt as if she was pulling me along. I remember feeling her strength and that I was behind her as she, her energy/force, pulled me along. I felt so weak and she was so strong. Wow it’s still amazing to remember.
She pulled me along and we floated out one of the windows. As we floated out and up, it seemed as if we were someplace far away. Our souls/energies merged together, intertwined and just enveloped one another. I again was so taken aback I could not open my eyes, just trying to understand what this most amazing feeling was. We did not talk, just sort of whirled around within each other and I never felt such warmth, love, peace, worry free...see I still can’t explain the Feeling. We shifted back to the room and then floated out the middle window. Again no words just merging and blending and peace. We lingered for some time in this far away place and still no words. It seemed to me quite a while and I remember turning over and then I awoke. I still felt the dream radiating through my body. I missed her immediately and wanted to go back. I wanted to go back and never leave her or this feeling. I tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep for about 10 to 15 minutes. I even tried pulling the covers over my head and envisioning the building. However, I could not return to this beautiful state.
I laid on the couch for abut 10 minutes and stared around in amazement. I knew without a doubt that she came to say hello...and then some! I got up and went to the bathroom to look in my eyes, simply because I wanted to see through myself for some reason. I knew I had experienced something out of this world and wanted to look in my own eyes. I turned on the light and looked for what seemed like 5 minutes of so, simply stood there looking into my eyes. I happened to look down at my mouth and could not believe that my lips were smiling! I had a smile on my lips that I did not know was there...can you imagine!! It was stuck on my face for what seemed like another 10 minutes. I could not remove it. I knew at that very moment that my daughter was telling me, "Mom, I’m ok." Not only did she come to visit me, she actually took me some place. She showed me what she was feeling and my goodness...I thanked her. I immediately thanked her and I thanked God!
From that day I knew that our relationship changed. What I realized, was that she might not be there physically, but that she is still a part of me and still with me! I have had a few other instances of her, but none as powerful as that one. I truly cherish them all and know that one day she will personally appear! I some how know that will be in the future. She was my life, my only child and she knows how much I loved her! It’s still hard for me, but when I think about what she is feeling, and knowing that she is with God, I feel better! I miss her terribly but know she is truly in a better place. This world can be so harsh. I know that she is safe in God’s arms.
God Bless Everyone!